There's not that much to say to anybody anymore, cause nothing is really happening? I guess that's what happens when you dedicate your time solely to the person you love and what you need to do to be together as soon as you can. In my case, SCHOOLWORK. I might actually this year... or at least I'm hoping so. My hope is to take eleventh grade social studies during the summer so I don't have to take a SS next year.. and then I'll have room for.. well I think everything next year in order to graduate...


So as it turns out, I'm not moving up to Boston. My dad threatened to throw Gamble in jail if I left before I turned eighteen. It's not that bad though, if you really look at it. The day of prom is the day Gamble moves in with me until Augustish? Yeah.. and then hopefully he'll be able to transfer to the AI in NYC so I'll be able to see him more...
And then hopefully I graduate and get out of here...

I think I know what I want to do with my life.
I know I want to work with animals... and I kind of want to raise wolves at my house.. and work for/own a wildlife preserve...
I don't know... I like the idea... I'm going to talk to the bio teacher in my school about it. [[shrugs]]

...Why is it I'm finding out about like a million people who like me now??? Ugh.. I don't want people to like me. Especially since most of them I'm friends with. And some of them have <b>girlfriends</b>. [[shakes head]] Oy ve...

I think I need to do some schoolwork... but I'm not sure what.
We got our NEXT YEARS assaignment for Theory of Knowledge... a 1600 word essay on any of the following...


I think I might start that SOON.. even though it's not due til the end of next year? But I want to get out of my procrastination habits...

So yeah. I need to get some work done.
And I think I might make a new LJ. I don't like this account anymore.

I think I'm gonna go occupy my time by reading a book and cleaning my room. Cause fuckin'A it needs to be cleaned!!

...on second thought maybe I'll just play Guild Wars.

AS IT TURNS OUT....

I lied yesterday morning. =) Haha, my english midterm was so easy. I actually think I did pretty well on it... All it was was two essays and for the first one we could choose out of any four. I chose the one where you had to use two texts we've read to support that narration is not always reliable. Well, of course, The Great Gatsby and The Glass Menagerie were the easiest ones to use.. so woo! I actually think I passed. And the second essay was to write a letter to a "hypothetical incoming student" to the IB program/IB english. Haha, what fun, what fun. My hand hurt SO much after writing both essays. It was crazy. I tried to draw buuuuut that just didn't work.

So I'm in an extremely better mood right now. Yesterday after the english test I met up with Courtney (yes, we are talking and good friends again), Max, Bryan, Barry, and ahh some other people I don't even remember.. and we headed for Courtney's house. BUT not before trying to ice skate on the pong outside of school, on which Bryan FELL and hot a nice goose egg on his head.. and possibly a concussion? We're not exactly sure. But yeah... we played REFLECTOR and went basketeering and played Coconut ball and took lots of video and it was fun. And she started a MONTAGE! *drumroll* and it looks awesome so far. "Do you guys have the peas?!" *BOOF!* [[peas hit the basket me and Bryan are under]]. "Ho'kay guess ya do." And yeah, eventually Rachel, Tony, Chris, Dan Pizappi,...and I think that's it... but yeah, they showed up and I spent a good amount of time tyring to get a damn towel from Max Dan and Chris. >_< Gahhhh. Good thing I'm cute and they all love me of I would never have gotten it.... andandand BRYANBOUGHTMETWOCHEESEBURGERS!! Ah. I love that kid. He buys me food...

BUTBUTBUT Justin's coming over today. =D But not until like 4ish so I have to wait like ALL DAY to see him. I was supposed to go to Courtney's again today and take the regular bus home so I could be home on time buuuuuut I slept a LONG ass time (like from four thirty yesterday til like... seven this morning). So catching my bus just didn't happen. So I get to play Mario Party all day!! And GUILD WARS! Ah. Haven't played that in a while. But yeah.. this weekend is going to be amazing. Minus the talk my dad wants to have with Justin today... but I told him to be nice and if he's NOT, well I'm going to be very mad at Daddy... VERY.. mad. VERY VERY MAD. Hehe. So yeah.. that's... about it? Hm... I need food...

After another night with very little sleep... I ask myself, "Self... Why the FUCK are you up this early?"  "Well, Self, to take an English test that I KNOW I am going to fail. That's why I am up this early."

I feel like a bad person right now. I won't say why on here. But I just really don't care who hates me anymore... To me it's all just a fucking waste of my time. Not like I ever do anything better with that time.. But all the same. Shit. I want to go back to sleep.
No, scratch that. I want tomorrow to come so Justin will be here... because that is the only thing I am looking forward to right now... <3

I'm tired of always feeling like I have to live up to something... and then failing and feeling like I've disappointed everyone.



Fuck. Fuck the English papers I'm supposed to be writing. Fuck passing this class this quarter cause it's just not happening. I need sleep right now and I need it bad.

God damnit.

Goodnight.

So I'm at Erika's with Cheese and they're playing guitar hero...

I don't exactly know why I'm posting. But me and Erika saw a cute dog today...

...it was really cute.

Why am I still awake....

For some reason I've been having a really hard time sleeping. Well, I know part of the reason why.. but, normally I can at least fall asleep after like an hour. I've been trying to get to sleep since midnight and it's just a no go. And I have to be up in two hours to get ready for school...

I don't understand, though. Normally I can't sleep because I'm depressed. But I'm not depressed! I'm so happy.. because my parents finally agreed to let me go.. after I finish my junior year in highschool, rather, but they're letting me go none the less. In six months I won't have to live here anymore. In six months I'll be with my boyfriend and I won't have to worry about money all that much because my dad will be sending me money each month. I'm happy. I'm excited.

SO WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I SLEEP?!

Fuck. I really don't want to be awake right now.. shit.

Wow. It's amazing how quickly my mood can go from "Holy shit I hate life" to "Oh my God I'm so excited!"

Daddy, not Mommy, is agreeing to let me leave after I turn seventeen and finish my junior year of highschool, granted I actually pass my junior year of hishschool. If I don't pass, then I can't go to Boston. But I WILL pass. Not only is he letting me go but he's basically going to take care of my share of the rent until I turn eighteen and what not. So I'm still going to need to work, just not as hard as I thought...
Woah baby I'm excited. ^_^

I feel like crap, and I only know half of the reason why.

My parents are apparently getting back together. I DON'T WANT THEM TO. I know that that sounds selfish as shit but I don't want them to be back together. I don't want my dad to live here again. Cause I know that the same shit is just going to happen AGAIN. Theyll be fine for a week or two, then the normal routine will set in. Theyll be yelling, fighting, screaming, and I'll have to hear every word of it cause they just don't care.
I cant deal with that anxiety. Not again. It's fucked me up so bad over the past two years and I'm finally starting to be better. I can't handle them anymore...
I seem to not be able to handle anything anymore. Not even my own relationships..
I'm scared to death of everything. I'm scared of falling, scared of being in love, scared of losing the people I love, scared of spiders.. small places.. and now heights, it seems.
I was never scared of heights before now...
I'm scared of being alone.. in any sense. I hate being in my room without another person being in there with me. I can't sleep alone and I'm afraid of being in my house alone. I'm afraid of being forgotten and I'm sososososo scared of being without him...
I'm scared of talking to people now because I don't know who I can trust anymore. I thought I could trust my one friend, but it turns out I can't because she took my biggest secret and ran to the one person she knows hates me.. then lied to me about it. I'm scared of talking to anyone but my sister cause she's the only one who actually gets it.
I'm scared of looking in the mirror. I hate what I see staring back at me. It's ugly. It's hideous. It's gross. It's disgusting. It's a bad friend and a paranoid girlfriend. I'm not pretty anymore. I'm scared of being pretty.. I'm scared of being ugly... I'm scared of getting fat and I'm scared of being too thin. For the past year my self confidence has been so high because of one person and one person only... but now... it's just gone..
I'm scared of him.. I'm scared that one day he won't love me anymore and then I'll be alone. I'm scared that one day he'll just get fed up with how paranoid and annoying I am. I'm scared that one day he'll realize that he can do so much better than me.. because all I seem to be is a burden.. on everybody.
I'm scared of change, and yet it's the only thing I want right now. I'm scared of moving and I'm scared of making this commitment, but it's the one thing I need. I need this move and I need this commitment. I need to be free and I need him. All the things I'm scared of are all of the things I need...
I hate this house more than ever right now. With five people now apparently living here I couldn't feel more alone. Nobody pays me any attention, and I just get left alone. With the exception of Mommy when she wants me to do something for her, or Daddy when he asks me if I'm still mad at him. I am still mad at him and he knows I am. It's not something that's just going to go away in a matter of days. Not after everything he's said to me.
I'm losing the only people I truly need right now. I have... I don't know. I have a best friend, and I love her to death, but I still feel like I have nobody. I don't know. I can't talk to anybody. Nobody will listen. Apparently the mindset now is Manda's just a drama queen who over dramaticizes her problems and she doesn't deserve to have any friends anymore.

I need to stop reading old entires in my ex best friends greatest journal cause that's the other half of the reason why I feel like crap. None of it is even about me.. but just some of the things that she posted even over a year ago... they get to me. They really do. We weren't even talking at the time but I still know everything that happened, even though she claims I wasn't listening. I still know... and it really just makes me want to.. everything just....
....fuck it. nevermind.

I've been really mad almost all day, which isn't very long considering me and Lana didn't even wake up until quarter after one.

She left around four thirty, and after that I just started thinking about everything. About Courtney, about Justin, about my parents, about my so-called friends, about school. I hate this knot I get in the pit of my stomach everytime I think about any of them. I hate this pressure I feel in my chest. I hate this urge I have to cry, and not being able to because my eyes are so dry.

I can't relax anymore. I just can't. Everything I do I end up thinking about SOMETHING that gets to me. Something that gets under my skin or makes it hard to breathe.

I don't know why I'm even worried about the situation with Courtney anymore. Our friendship is over and I'm okay with that. I really don't care anymore because in four months I'm not going to be here. I'm not going to have to see her in school everyday and I'm not going to have to deal with anybody going behind my back and talk shit about me with her. I don't know how much longer I can take being in this fucking school.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry you hate me because I had sex with him and I'm sorry that it's affecting your life so much.

I've barely talked to Justin all day, and it's not making me mad but.. I don't know. I don't know what it's making me. I just feel really alone, and really unimportant, and really... I just really want to cry right now. I need to talk to him. I need to. And he's not here to talk to and... shit. I need help.
I'm sorry I need you this badly right now and I'm sorry I get annoying sometimes. I'm sorry I'm not a perfect girlfriend and I'm sorry I complain to you so much. I'm sorry I have trouble sleeping because you're not there and I'm sorry I check my aim compulsively to see if you've come back from away. I'm sorry I'm not as smart as you are and I'm sorry I don't want to finish school. I'm sorry I'm only sixteen and not of age to move out yet, and I'm sorry I'm going to move out regardless.

Apparently my parents are going to try and get back together, but I really don't want that to happen. They shouldn't be married, especially not to eachother. All that's going to happen is the cycle is going to be repeated and... fuck. I can't take anymore of that anxiety.

I felt much better today though, even if only for about an hour. An LJ user (I don't know his username) IMed me on AIM and said the exact things that I just needed to hear today. Apparently he read one of my posts in the group Lettergraveyard and he went through the exact same thing. I don't understand how a complete stranger could feel so strongly for someone they don't even know and never even talked to before, but he felt that for me. A complete stranger is so willing to help me and that is just such an overwhelming feeling. I don't even have any words to describe it. It made me feel loved, sort of. Not the usual kind of love, like the love my boyfriend has for me.. but.. I don't know. I haven't felt this kind of love in a while.

I feel weird right now. I haven't gotten any homework done and I really need to sleep tonight.
Oh boy tomorrow should be fun...
Confrontations, anyone?

I have to say, I quite enjoy this site.

I've gotten absolutely nothing done since I've gotten home but put a heading on top of a word document for a Document Based Question essay I'm supposed to be doing.
I've got to get that done, and probably able five or six thematic essays.
Do I plan on doing them all tonight? Yes.
Do I plan on sleeping? Probably not.
Is tomorrow going to be a good day? Maybe. It all depends on how much I sleep.
Do I still need a shower on top of all this? Desperately. Makeup kills me when I sleep.

Although, I am in a slightly better mood now. I talked to Gamble for a bit (a very, very, short bit) about my prediciment with Courtney, and I feel slightly better about it.
"yeah well, at least your making the effort, thats all that counts"
I agree, sort of.. while I know I'm making the effort, and this time it's towards the right thing, I still feel kind of bad. But I don't even know why...
I keep flip-flopping back and forth between how I feel. And right, I feel like I'm in the right. About everything. Beings as I've been trying lately to be better and the fact that what Gamble and I did.. that was my decision. Mine. I love him and he loves me. I understand that they used to love eachother and they used to be intimate... but this isn't about her. This is about me and the fact that I need to do what it takes to make my last months here tolerable. He's my boyfriend. He makes me happy. And that's really all I need...
"He wasn't fair game," she said to me a couple of days ago. Right now, I feel like she has no right to say that. I understand that she was my friend and I understand that she used to love him but that does not give her the right to tell me who I can and cannot love. I can't help the fact that I love him, but I do, and it's not something I'm willing to change just for the sake of one person. I'm happy with him. I love him. He's mine. And nothing anybody says or does is going to change that.

I feel so much better right now. I think I'll go take the pictures he asked for...

Desperate for changing,
Starving for truth.

School was... I don't even know. I don't know who I can trust here anymore because apparently all of my so called friends are talking about me behind my back about what I've been doing over the past couple months.

Okay.

I know I've made mistakes, okay? I've made a lot of them as a result of everything that's been going on around here and my mind set of going to Boston in a couple of months. But I'm trying to fix everything. I'm trying. But nobody's perfect! I haven't tripped in over a week and I don't plan on doing it very often. I'm back in school and actually have motivation to do well. I'm trying to be a better friend towards everybody I know I've neglected since me a Justin started dating. I'm trying to be better. I'm trying.
But apparently trying isn't good enough because I can't fix the big things. I can't get back one of the best friends I've ever had because in her mind I've made the biggest mistake of all. Hell, I can't say I blame her. If I were in her place, and she had had sex with one of my ex boyfriends who meant that much to me, I'd react the same way. I know I've brought all of this upon myself and I don't blame anybody but myself. I didn't have sex with him to hurt her, though. I love him so much. He means everything to me and I wanted to. I know I should have considered her more but there's nothing I can do about it now. I know I probably should have listened to her more but there's nothing I can do about it now. I'm trying to fix things.. I am. I've apologized my heart out more than once but I just don't know how to fix this...
This is just killing me, because I have no one to talk to about this but a journal of online people who don't even know me. Because according to her and everyone else I'm "going down the wrong path", but I'm not seeing that, because I'm not seeing (at this point) what I'm even doing. I haven't drank, I haven't taken any drugs, I'm going to school and attempting to get the best grades I can...
I'm trying my hardest and it's getting me nowhere. I don't know what to do.

So I guess I'll do some homework.

I'm falling even more in love with you,
letting go of all I held onto.
I'm standing here until you make me move,
I'm hanging by a moment here with you...

I honestly really don't feel like anyone cares about me anymore. They say that they do, but I don't think anyone means it. I can never tell who means it because the people in my life always like to change their minds. One minute they're my best friend in the entire world, the next we're barely speaking or they hate me, and they just don't care. I just can't tell anymore...

I'm tired of fucking crying all of the time. I'm tired of feeling like I'm so alone. I'm tired of trying to live up to what people want me to be and failing. I'm tired of disappointing the people I love the most. I'm tired of being paranoid. I'm tired of barely being able to trust anybody. I'm tired of doing nothing but sitting at my computer, praying for a miracle to come my way. I'm tired of dreaming for something that probably won't come. I'm tired of being disappointed. I'm tired of being let down. I'm tired of feeling like the people I love will one day betray me. I'm tired of everything I am and everything I've been. I'm tired of caring so much and getting next to nothing in return. I'm tired of being so much in love that it hurts because he's so far away. I'm tired of the stress. I'm tired of the anxiety. I'm tired of the overwhelming feeling I have all the time. I'm tired of not sleeping at night and sleeping the days away because it just makes living easier. I'm tired of engrossing my feelings into online journals that nobody who actually needs to know all of this reads. I'm tired of feeling like nobody cares about me. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired of dreaming.
...I'm just tired.

I feel like complete and total shit right now. And the rest of the world isn't helping.

For the most part, my night has been good. After my little crying fiasco earlier, I started playing Guild Wars.. and I didn't stop. It took me two and a half hours to complete one quest.. all the while David was sitting next to me just watching, and making fun of me, and laughing, and it was a good time. Finally, the game yelled at me.. "You have been playing for six hours. Take a break." And Alyson came home right then. We made hotdogs.. I spilled pepper everywhere.. and we talked about how David once bit into a dry Cayanne [sp?] pepper. And it was fun... We watched Beauty and the Geek.. well I watched most of it.. but I was pulled away. Back to realizing that today was really horrible and I have no idea how I'm gonna get out of New York without the money from my grandmother...

I don't know what to do. I'm confused. And...
Fuck.

I never thought that my boyfriend would make me cry...
But he did... all because someone who just gets under my skin constantly is still important to him.. but fuck. I don't want her to be. She used to be my best friend, up until me and Justin started dating, and she's not anymore because she doesn't like the fact that I'm dating him because they dated before.. and he still wants to be friends with her. I don't exactly know how that makes me feel but when he told me that he still wants to be friends with her and that she's still important to him I just lost it. I couldn't stop cryig. Fuck it, I'm still crying. Honestly, I feel threatened by her and I'm not afraid to say this. I'm afraid of losing him, especially to her... again...
I feel paranoid, threatened, and I am not in the best mental state right now. My grandmother won't give me the money she has saved up for me so I don't know how the hell I'm gonna get to Boston and I'm so afraid that everything I've been hoping for is just gonna be blown to smithereens. I'm afraid of having to stay living here, and I'm afraid of losing Justin. Fuck.. I love him so much but I don't know how the hell this is going to work. I just don't know...
All I know is I can't stop crying and I'm not okay. And he's not even here to talk to because he's off tripping somewhere. That's how it always happens... the times I really need to talk to him.. the times I need him the most... fuck. I don't even know...
I hate to say it... but I think, for the first time ever, I'm actually mad at him...

Me and Mommy came to some sort of an agreement:

I agreed that I'll continue to go to school here, get semi-good grades (enough to pass, at least) and she'll let me transfer to a highschool in Boston and move in with Justin, Brad and others in May! Yee! That makes me sort of happy, after spending half the day crying because Daddy threatened to have Justin put in jail because he's eighteen. I hate my dad so much right now...

Anywho.. so I've been hooked on this computer game recently, Guild Wars. SO amazing! I suggest you go buy it and play it like NOW. It's an online game but you don't need to buy a subscription to play.. just the game itself. And it's kind of like Warcraft, sort of? Or Everquest? You go on all kinds of quests and shizz like that and it's fun. I'm a level 14 Expert Assassin/Warrior! XD
...it makes me happy.

I was planning on going to Boston this weekend, but I can't. >_< I pitched the idea to Mommy after we had our little heart-to-heart and she doesn't want me walking in the city by myself. So I'm going to wait for a weekend where her and David can just get my to the bus terminal.. then I'll take the bus myself to Boston and spend a couple days there. I can't wait to see Justin again...

I need to read more.

So yes, for the past few days I have actually been getting things done...

The kitchen is clean...
Me and Alyson literally spent two hours working on that Goddamn kitchen last night. Filling the dishwasher, doing other dishes, cooking dinner, cleaning up from dinner, YADAYADAYADA. Mommy needs to get her ass home more and pull her weight around here cause it's gonna be a hell of a shocker when me Alyson and David are gone and she's gotta take care of this house all by herself.

My room is clean...
And it smells kinda weird thanks to my now broken vacuum cleaner. It started spewing out dust and crap and I had to spray Glade to get the smell out. Ew. I'm not going into my room for the rest of the day. UNFORTUNATELY, though, I didn't find my wallet and it's got my birth certificate, social security card, and school ID. Yeah. I'M FUCKED.

The computer room is clean...
AND SO IS THE COMPUTER! I spent like an hour and a half last night deleting files that I just don't need anymore. Files that took up FIFTY GBS OF HARD DRIVE! shit. Now the damn thing actually RUNS like a normal computer.


Alyson's taking me to the bank today so I can take out ALL of my money. XD I'm excited.

So I'm not sure if my life is going on a completely upward, or completely downward spiral...

I was talking to my sister Alyson, her boyfriend David, and their friend Mark last night, and Alyson and David are moving out soon and finding a two bedroom appt. Until I leave for Boston, they offered to let me go and stay with them so I don't have to deal with my mother. I am MORE than happy to do this, believe me, but I kind of want to finish school too and if they get a place out of the Pine Bush district then I don't know exactly how I would get back and forth to school everyday. I could transfer to a school where ever theyre going to.. but thhat just means transfering AGAIN in a few short months when I go to Boston...
So I'm thinking of just dropping out altogether, moving in with Alyson and David, working, going to Boston, and getting my GED or something like that. At this point it seems like the best option for me because the equation I'm in right now just isn't working....

I swear I'm gonna go crazy...

I haven't really been to a computer all that often. Gamble came down from Boston on December fifteenth, and since then we've been ping-ponging between living at my house and his aunt's house. Sadly, though, Monday I had to come home and Gamble couldn't come with me because I have school. But he's coming back today and I am more than ecstatic to spend time with him before he has to go back to school this Sunday...
But this past month has been more than amazing. Between painting, being picked up by friends and hanging out in New Paltz til the ungodly hours of the morning, or finally.. losing my virginity to the one person I know I could spend the rest of my life with.. life has been utterly great.

Christmas Eve me, Gamble, my sister Alyson and her boyfriend Dave went to Jersey to visit my family. ALL of my family.. and it's quite a big one. It was fun, to say the least, but not nearly as fun as the rest of my winter break. Basically, after we got back to New York, my mom told me and Gamble to go stay at his aunt's house because she didn't want to have to deal with us. So we did. On several occassions we got picked up by Brad and Mike or Brad and Kevin to go to New Paltz and do whatever. Staying at the diner til 12AM probably would have been more fun if I hadn't had so much stuff on my mind that night.. stuff I WISH I could talk about to someone but CAN'T because I can't face everything right now. Not with everything else that's going on. I can't even tell Jamie.. and that's saying something.. because I tell Jamie everything.

New Years Eve was the hardest I've ever tripped.. EVER. I don't even remember half the night. All I know is I fell asleep before the ball dropped and woke up several hours later to Gamble watching A Clockwork Orange which, from what I could tell in my not-so-sober state, is a really weird movie... We stayed up until around seven when I realized that I could sleep..
I came home that day and prepared myself for school the next day...
It's been nothing less than interesting, beings as my so-called best friend refuses to speak to me because me and Gamble had sex. This is for the sole reason that she's dated him before and he's apparently not "fair game" to me. Fuck that shit. She's being selfish about the entire situation trying to take away my happiness just because she doesn't like what I'm doing. Well whatever. Fuck her then, because in all honesty what happens now is up to her. I apologized for the way everything is making her feel but I am in no way sorry for what I did. If she still wants to be friends after all of this, then thats her decision, but I don't think that's going to happen because she knows that Gamble is not going away and that soon enough.. I am. I don't think it's worth it enough for us to be friends again now. So whatever. I don't care. It's her decision.

I can't wait for five months to pass...
I'm sure.. now more than ever.. that I'm leaving for Boston as soon as the oppertunity arises. I'm not waiting for school to end. I'm not waiting for anything. I've got nothing left for me here. Nothing to stay for. No one to stay for. My mother is far from being a mother at this point, my father moved out, my best friend hates me, and the three people I have left who I consider close friends.. well one of them is coming to Boston with me and the other two.. I love them to death but they know and understand why I need to leave and I'll love them forever for it.
I can't wait to be up in Boston.. to be able to live by no one else's rules but my own and the apartments.. to be with people who actually care about me and understand me and won't just abandon me.. to be able to fall asleep every night in the arms of the boy that I'm in love with, and wake up to him the next morning. I cant wait for the days where I can do what I want and the drunken nights I'll never remember. I can't wait for the trips.. the painting.. the showers.. and everything else. I just can't wait...

I haven't been in a very stable state of mind....

For the majority of the time, I'm either sitting at this computer staring blankly at it's screen or sitting downstairs in my room watching a movie.. waiting for yet another trip to set in.
I've tripped twice in the past week. I don't exactly know how good that is for me (probably not very) but there was just nothing else to do. They were pretty hard trips too... I'd take them at 9-10ish, let them set in by 10-11ish, and be gone the entire night. Time would flow by like a freight train and before I know it it's 330AM and I'm on the phone with Gamble and he's yelling at me to go to sleep. I do, and I wake up still tripping, and go to school regardless. Everybody who knows me knows about this by now.. even if I didn't tell them.
But it's fun regardless of the risks and regardless of who thinks I'm "fucking myself up". Because this state and everyone in it (with the exception of VERY few) sucks and is not worth my goddamn time. So I'm gonna do what I want, and nothing you say will make a difference, because you don't matter.
It's funny how that rant went from generally speaking to "yeah, this is directed at one specific person now."
I found out that alcohol makes Coricidin take longer to set in. Let's just say mommy let me get drunk the other night...

So this weekend should be an entire break from my reality altogether. Tomorrow my sister is taking me to get my permit (fucking FINALLY!), and shortly after I'm getting picked up by Gamble's aunt because I'm spending the night/weekend there.. whichever. We're getting him from whatever form of transportation he's using to get here at two in the morning and I really can't wait. I miss him so much....

So I was planning on straightening my hair tonight, but I doubt that's happening. I've been so tired the past few days and I'm not sure if it's the lack of sleep (of course made up after school with endless naps), depression, or just my anemia (sp?). Oh wells, all I know is I'm fucking tired and I probably won't make it past ten thirty.
I've gotta learn not to trip on school nights anymore...

So school has been basically stupid. (I start a lot of paragraphs with so...) I'm failing almost every one of my classes due to laziness, lack of resources, or just because I don't go (math, aka). And my math teacher STILL hasn't written me up yet for not going to her class. Honestly, I haven't gone in almost a month. I guess she just doesn't care. I mean c'mon, I was in her class last year. The same exact class! I know all this shit already...


Life is stupid right now. It's pointless and I see no point in staying here any longer, but I don't have anywhere to stay if I leave or the resorces to get by. Fuck having to wait six months... I really don't want to. I see no point in having to stay in a state that I loathe with a passion if all it's doing is making me unhappy. Sometimes I wish I had neve rleft New Jersey, but then I think, "But then you would have never met Gamble..." and I hate myself for feeling the way I do. I could have great friends here. And a great life, even. I could accept what I've got, be happy, and get on with it. I could do all my work, get everything done, and make everyone happy. I could be what every mother and father aspire for their child to be. I could be normal. I could conform. I could get good grades, graduate high school, go to college, get married, have kids.. yada yada yada. I could live "The American Dream". But for what? Why would I work my ass off at school just to continue on with more school? Why would I put forth all that effort only to put forth more when I'm working at a job I know I'll hate? Why do it? Why conform to the image that everyone aspires to. It's so cookie-cutter. It's so pointless. I don't want to be that girl, that daughter, that student, that person.
I need independance and I need it badly. I need freedom and I need to be able to make my own decisions. I need for my mom to just let go and accept the fact that I grew up and I'm not her little ten-year-old girl anymore. I need for everyone to just let me go, because nothing matters here anymore. I need to move on. I need to get out of here and I need to do it soon. Because staying here is only hurting me. It only reminds me of memories, good or bad; painful or not, but I don't want to remember them regardless. I've always been so prone to living in the past and it's always been my downfall. I'm trying to live in the future and so far it's working. I haven't been thinking of anyone I miss, anyone I once loved, anyone I'd normally pine over if it weren't for the fact that I know I'll forget them all completely soon. No, I've been thinking of Boston. Of moving there in six months. Of being on my own in an apartment with the only two people I can talk to anymore, Gamble and Brad. I've been thinking of how amazingly this will work out and how amazing life will be once it happens. I've been thinking of the independance.. the freedom.. the possibilities...
Not only have i been thinking, but I've been preparing. There's not a single time in my life where I've ever thrown anything away that had any sentimental value whatsoever. Not a single time but tonight. I rummaged through ALL of my belongings... and went garbage happy. Five garbage bags later I've got clean shelves, a clean desk, a clean under my bed, a clean closet, and a clean floor. And it feels good. No more being a pack rat and no more saving things just because "I might use this later..." No. No more of that.

I'm getting better. I'm not who I used to be. I'm not who you want me to be and I'm not going to change my mind.
Love me or hate me, but this is me now. So just deal with it and move on with your fucking life....